We broke up.
Out of nowhere. And it's all my fault.
It happened this morning as I was walking out the door to head to work. I was rushing around, grabbing my keys and my bag and then I ran into the bedroom where Patrick was sleeping to give him a quick goodbye kiss. "Erphm...wait, Elaine," he said, and grabbed my arm to keep me from leaving.
"I was going to give you something last night but, as you know, we got a little distracted," he said as he grinned, sat up, and reached for his jacket that was laying in a heap on the floor.
"Patrick, I really need to go...I'm running very late. Can you wait 'till-"
He cut me off. "Here." He handed me a card and a little wrapped box. "Open the card first."
I couldn't argue with him, he was too persistent.
The card had two alligators on the front with a saying inside that read, "We go to-gator." But then he wrote this:
Elaine,
When I look at you, I can see my future. I can see you as my wife, and I can see our children. I can see us sitting on the front porch and watching the sunset together. I can see things I have never seen with any other person. Promise to be a part of my future. Love, Patrick
Nervously, I sat the card down and tore open the package. He bought me a "promise ring." And when I looked it, all I could think was that I am 18, and that we've only been together for 5 months, and that it was just another expensive materialistic thing that he's using to "buy" me or whatever.
Needless to say, it scared me.
"Patrick, I can't just..I mean, we've only been together for five months, Patrick. I don't know what to, say exactly."
"That's easy," he replied, "Say that you promise, someday, when we are both finished with school, you will marry me."
"I..can't."
"Why? Of course you can. I love you, and you love me, right?"
I nodded slightly while looking at the floor. "But, Patrick, I can't just (at this point I started to cry, because I am dumb) promise to marry you someday, just like this. Not on an ordinary Friday morning. Not like this...it's too surreal and sudden and I just can't. You've taken me way off guard, here."
I watched his face fall. I could see the dissapointment in his eyes.
"Okay," was all he said, and then he quickly started to get dressed.
"No, Patrick, please. Don't get mad. Please? Let me explain atleast. It's just that, you're 22. You are going to grad school and you are probably at the point in your life where you are ready to settle down. Which is totally fine. But, Patrick? I'm 18. I just started. And you're making me feel like my life, my FUTURE, is being put in your hands to do whatever you want with it. I mean, I think we should slow down for awhile, until I get to the stage where you're at, you know?"
I reached for his hand but he pulled away.
"Whatever, Elaine. This wasn't a proposal. I was just trying to show you how I feel. Committed. In love. Whatever. You make it sound like I am controlling you or something."
"Well, that's kinda how it feels."
"Then I certainly don't want you to feel that way. So, I think I'm just gonna give you all the fucking space you need."
He left. After he slammed the door.
I am so tired of always fucking things up. Now what am I supposed to do?
*elaine*